This is the last of a series of five posts I set out to write concerning a period of time roughly 12 or so years ago when I was diagnosed with ulcerative colitis and what ensued after. I’ve never written about that time in a way that I’ve shared with anyone. Further, I’ve avoided for the most part thinking about that time or making sense of it—for numerous reasons, most of them being what I considered negative. Recently, however, I decided it was time to revisit those days and that time and try and find aspects I can take away that positively influenced me and provided lessons I might apply today.
I’m not so sure reliving the past is always such a good thing. I firmly believe some things should just be left alone, withering in the dust, and buried by time. Some things, though, need re-examined and made sense of. Some things linger on and influence our daily lives without us often even realizing it. I know plenty of people who have lived through some traumatic, life-altering event or another. Some dealt with event constructively and responsibly so they could move on with peace. Others choose to ignore the past, place blame where it may or may not belong, and allow the continue influence of that event to rear its head randomly whenever it decides to make an appearance. I’m not making a judgment about which route is best to take. I fully understand that some events are just too painful or embarrassing or hurtful or unpredictable to stare down again. I’ve done that for years. I don’t want to be that guy anymore. I don’t want to be someone who can’t look at the past and learn from it. Being that guy didn’t buy me anything but self-loathing, misguided and false notions, and a lot of uncertainty.
I’m glad I’ve looked back on being sick, glad I revisited those days. Being sick, thankfully, wasn’t the end of the world for me, but the thing is, it could have been. It’s important to realize that. For more than a decade I’ve tended to look back on that period with mostly anger. I’ve tended to make excuses for why I may have behaved this way or that. Although I don’t feel as if I took a “why me” mentality, because I know anyone is up for grabs where life’s whimsy is concerned, I do feel I tended to gloss over some important aspects, the primarily one being that something positive can come from something negative. If anything, I’ve felt for years that I was cheated out of answers, and I was angry about it. I didn’t know why I was chosen to be saddled with this disease. I didn’t know what to expect. I didn’t know from one day to another what was going to happen, when it was going to end, how I would deal with it, or if I wanted to even continue. I still don’t have answers to most of the questions, but I’m learning that it probably isn’t important that I do.
What is important is accepting that those experiences occurred and taking away what I can and progressing for the positive. What’s important is what I do today, right now, this second. Truly, that’s the greatest lesson I could have learned. Why did I get ulcerative colitis? Because I did, that’s why. Why did it run so rampant? Because it did, that’s all. Why am I still alive? Because I am. That’s the real truth. I’m still alive, and that’s my real responsibility now, not feeling bitterness or a sense of loss. My identity and purpose isn’t being someone who had this “terrible” thing happen to him. My purpose is being someone who had something happen to him that might not have been pleasant but also got the opportunity to have things continue to happen to him, good and bad.
I’m a big believer in the Wheel of Fortune and Boethius and that no one is immune from having both positive and negative things occur at any given time. One day the wheel takes you on a ride all the way to the top and you can see for miles and the view is splendid and the people admire your position and anything looks possible. The next day the wheel takes you to the bottom and the view is restricted and lacking light and the people are stepping over you and keeping you down and making it back to the surface seems impossible. The secret is to not lament or congratulate your given position but accept that fortune will grant you what she wishes when she wishes, and although you can control and manipulate and shape a great many things, you can’t control them all. Don’t bemoan the fact that fortune’s not looking so favorably on you today. Don’t boast or brag that fortune has chosen to now favor you. Just accept each experience as something that you can learn from with the same approach.
That’s what I hope I’ve learned from these posts, anyway. I’m still alive. I still have my family. I have a daughter who I didn’t have back then. I get to watch them grow and succeed and fail and love and lose and sink and swim. I still have my friends. I still have my senses. I still have the ability to reason and learn and imagine and create. I still have the energy to rise and participate. I can give. I can spread compassion. I can encourage and prop up. I have all these abilities, and I’m starting to believe that being sick and the experiences related to that has allowed me to only fortify that potential and those abilities.
Today, having been sick and gone through surgeries and living with a body that’s been transformed means I sleep less than I used to and given up some foods I really loved and don’t have the stamina or reservoir of energy I once did and experience some discomfort and annoyances that I didn’t deal with before. But haven been sick and everything that implies has today made me more engaged, mentally stronger, more passionate, more aware, more alert, and I hope more enlightened. How could I not be thankful or feel positive about that?
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