I won't lie, some days I long to hear those words. I don't even care what they were said in reference to. They could be spoken because I managed to brush my teeth three times in one day. They could be uttered because I washed all the dirty towels and folded them neatly. I really don't care. It would just be nice to hear those words come out of the mouths of my babes now and again.
The thing is my kids aren't ingrates or self-entitled little monsters. I firmly believe it's just the expected tradition and norm for words of praise to flow with much more frequency coming from the parents than vice versa. I don't think it dons on kids even that their parents value their opinion and that to hear such words would mean the world and then some. That's understandable. Sadly, some parents give off the vibe and probably mean it completely when they say they don't give a damn what their kids think or say. I don't think that's the case with the vast majority, though. I do think, though, that it would take some form of vulnerability for many parents to express to their kids that they'd like to hear something glowing or ego-stroking once in a while or they'd like to know when they've done something particularly well that some parents aren't willing to risk. To do so might be to give up some power or put them on a more even playing field that they're not comfortable with.
Whether they'll admit it or not, or even believe it or not, I think beyond our own parents, many parents most want the approval and hear words of praise from their own kids. After all, it's our kids that we do all this for, isn't it? They are the reason we get up in the morning and do what we do. They're the reason we sacrifice our greater good. They're the reason we lose many nights to no sleep and years of life to stress. What wouldn't be grand about hearing some raves about ourselves from the people we give so much for?
Especially during the early years of my kids' lives, I think I've been good about giving due where it's deserved and providing positive reinforcement. "Where it's deserved" being the key phrase, though. Like a lot of people feel I guess, I think kids are patted on the back a little too much these days, gloried for every minor accomplishment that eventually makes the real accomplishments feel less important and meaningful than they should. Watered down. Luster lost.
I understand the arguments for praising often and early to create self-confidence and security in children, and I believe in that to a great extent. I also believe and have seen that eventually there come expectations that doing mediocre work is good enough, something that truly bothers me. That's something that I don't believe in, and especially in the elder years, doing mediocre work is something I haven't praised. Maybe to a detrimental degree. Maybe not. I'm not sure. I think that I believe that doing so is equivalent to lying to myself and to my kids. I guess I fall on the side that by only handing out praise when it's truly deserved is doing them a greater service. Hopefully, they come to understand that on those occasions when accolades and kudos do come flowing from my mouth, they carry weight and mean something. They don't float innocently into the ether or carry the risk of falsely inflating an ego.
Sometimes, the phrase "nothing is good enough for you" is deserved. I also think it's been thrown around so often and with such negligence in TV shows and movies that it carries no purpose that being an excuse. My own take is that I don't buy the phrase at face value. It requires some digging to validate or deflate. Doing mediocre work when I believe you are capable of more is what's not good enough for me. Rising to the challenge and meeting your individual expectations, given your strengths and weaknesses, will always be good enough.
Which brings me back full circle to hearing words of praise from my kids. I often wonder what they might say behind closed doors or what thoughts they might think in their heads. How exactly do they feel about their old man? How exactly do they envision their old man? Does he impress in any way? Does he ever surpass their expectations? Does he ever surprise with what he delivers? Expressing such things for many kids is an impossibility. It's hard enough to know what to make our your own life and feelings at that age, let alone worry about giving your parents some confirmation from time to time that they're doing OK. Still . . .
It all makes me feel I should revisit the topic of giving praise, particularly in how often I hand it out. For whatever reason, as time comes by, it becomes easier for many family members to praise non-family members, even strangers, than their own family. That's a shame and probably avoidable in most cases. Like many situations, this is most likely an area where it's up to the parents to set the tone.
The thing is my kids aren't ingrates or self-entitled little monsters. I firmly believe it's just the expected tradition and norm for words of praise to flow with much more frequency coming from the parents than vice versa. I don't think it dons on kids even that their parents value their opinion and that to hear such words would mean the world and then some. That's understandable. Sadly, some parents give off the vibe and probably mean it completely when they say they don't give a damn what their kids think or say. I don't think that's the case with the vast majority, though. I do think, though, that it would take some form of vulnerability for many parents to express to their kids that they'd like to hear something glowing or ego-stroking once in a while or they'd like to know when they've done something particularly well that some parents aren't willing to risk. To do so might be to give up some power or put them on a more even playing field that they're not comfortable with.
Whether they'll admit it or not, or even believe it or not, I think beyond our own parents, many parents most want the approval and hear words of praise from their own kids. After all, it's our kids that we do all this for, isn't it? They are the reason we get up in the morning and do what we do. They're the reason we sacrifice our greater good. They're the reason we lose many nights to no sleep and years of life to stress. What wouldn't be grand about hearing some raves about ourselves from the people we give so much for?
Especially during the early years of my kids' lives, I think I've been good about giving due where it's deserved and providing positive reinforcement. "Where it's deserved" being the key phrase, though. Like a lot of people feel I guess, I think kids are patted on the back a little too much these days, gloried for every minor accomplishment that eventually makes the real accomplishments feel less important and meaningful than they should. Watered down. Luster lost.
I understand the arguments for praising often and early to create self-confidence and security in children, and I believe in that to a great extent. I also believe and have seen that eventually there come expectations that doing mediocre work is good enough, something that truly bothers me. That's something that I don't believe in, and especially in the elder years, doing mediocre work is something I haven't praised. Maybe to a detrimental degree. Maybe not. I'm not sure. I think that I believe that doing so is equivalent to lying to myself and to my kids. I guess I fall on the side that by only handing out praise when it's truly deserved is doing them a greater service. Hopefully, they come to understand that on those occasions when accolades and kudos do come flowing from my mouth, they carry weight and mean something. They don't float innocently into the ether or carry the risk of falsely inflating an ego.
Sometimes, the phrase "nothing is good enough for you" is deserved. I also think it's been thrown around so often and with such negligence in TV shows and movies that it carries no purpose that being an excuse. My own take is that I don't buy the phrase at face value. It requires some digging to validate or deflate. Doing mediocre work when I believe you are capable of more is what's not good enough for me. Rising to the challenge and meeting your individual expectations, given your strengths and weaknesses, will always be good enough.
Which brings me back full circle to hearing words of praise from my kids. I often wonder what they might say behind closed doors or what thoughts they might think in their heads. How exactly do they feel about their old man? How exactly do they envision their old man? Does he impress in any way? Does he ever surpass their expectations? Does he ever surprise with what he delivers? Expressing such things for many kids is an impossibility. It's hard enough to know what to make our your own life and feelings at that age, let alone worry about giving your parents some confirmation from time to time that they're doing OK. Still . . .
It all makes me feel I should revisit the topic of giving praise, particularly in how often I hand it out. For whatever reason, as time comes by, it becomes easier for many family members to praise non-family members, even strangers, than their own family. That's a shame and probably avoidable in most cases. Like many situations, this is most likely an area where it's up to the parents to set the tone.
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