There’s a 7-UP pop machine where I work, only it doesn’t sell 7-UP. I’m perturbed by this. Not only is it false advertising, I’d actually like to buy the uncola once in a while and drink it. As it is, though, I’m stuck with a bevy of Coke and Coke-related options, Pepsi, Dr. Pepper, and Mt. Dew and the various subgenres of that soda.
I gave up Coke months and months ago due to an incident that involved the Grand Canyon National Park and it's plan to ban disposal water bottles in the park, which represent the leading form of waste the park deals with. Coke, a major contributor to the park but also the distributor of Dasani water, which is sold in the park, objected naturally. The head of the Park Service subsequently vetoed the ban. I didn’t appreciate the way Coke seemingly threw around its corporate muscle and influence, so I set about on my own personal protest.
(For more detail, click here.)
Despite being an obsessed Coke addict for more years than I can count, I gave up that syrupy, beautiful nectar, and it wasn’t easy. Still, I haven’t tasted a drop since, even though the Park Service eventually decided to go through with the planned ban on disposable water bottles in the park. So, even though I could begin downing can after can of Coke now with a clean conscience, I’m choosing to still abstain. Even during my most intense and joyful Coke-drinking years, I knew it wasn’t good for me and that it was probably eroding my insides slowly little by little. Thus, I've been on the search for a new soda since to take Coke's place, with the intent of finding a winner that could offer a at least a few redeeming qualities.
I hate Pepsi, so that was out. Dr. Pepper tastes like a melted candy bar gone bad, and even thinking about taking a slurp makes me want to gag a little. A can of Mt. Dew might as well be a can of ecstasy for me, what with all the hallucinations and mind games it seems to play inside my skull. And I’d just as soon drink the sweat out of my socks than drink a diet soda. Sprite is OK, but guess who makes it? Right, Coke. The same with Dr. Pepper, Mello Yello, Mr. Pibb, Minute Maid, and god only knows what other liquids.
What doesn’t Coke, make? Squirt, that’s what. And surprisingly, the 7-UP machine in my building that doesn’t sell 7-UP does sell Squirt. As far as Squirt’s redeeming qualities go, it’s caffeine free. I don't really have anything against caffeine, though, so this isn’t a biggie for me. It contains natural citrus flavor, but I’m not sure exactly what constitutes “flavor,” so I guess I can’t count that either. Squirt has been canned and sold since 1938, so it has longevity on its side. There's only 140 calories awaiting. Plus, it’s the “Thirst Quencher,” and my thirst often needs quenching around 3 p.m. or so. We’re a good fit. Most of all, I like the way Squirt tastes, and I consider it the underdog of sodas. Unless I’m not aware of something, the makers of Squirt aren’t strong-arming anyone with their global might. As a bonus, Squirt comes in a bright flashy can, and it tastes damn fine with vodka or gin.
What I’d really like to be able to partake in is a nice, cold bottle of orange Nehi like the machine at my dad’s work used to sell years ago for only a quarter. Nothing could beat that, but those days are gone. Instead, I'm left with a 7-UP that doesn't sell what it promotes but does sell Squirt. I'm good with that.
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