As a parent, I think it’s always interesting when you get a chance to watch your kids interact in situations and environments that you’re not used to seeing them interact in. This past weekend, for example, my daughter had a track meet, and for at least a portion of the event I watched from the stands as she interacted with her friends between events. Naturally, I’m completely used to seeing her in our home doing whatever it is she does at any given time. I’m even used to watching her outside the house compete in sports, both as someone who has coached her for many years in various sports and who has just sat back and watched her play. But watching her outside the home over an extended time socialize and intermingle with her peers with no distractions or commitments is something I don’t the chance to do often, and overall, I find it fascinating and incredibly beneficial when it does.
I guess we all have visions or ideas in our heads of how we want our children to act when they’re not in our direct eyesight. That’s the entire purpose of parenting, isn’t it? To teach and lead and guide and explain and present lessons that we hope will one day enable our kids to behave and act as responsible, compassionate human beings when we’re no longer there to hold their hands, so to speak. Of course, although we can always hope for the best, the best isn’t always possible, and our kids will act in ways that are detrimental to themselves and that shed a negative light on us. So be it. That comes with the territory. You deal with it, correct the behavior if you must, determine if there’s something you can do for your own process or locate that lesson that you might have missed passing on, and then move on.
But watching your kids participate in an event—even if it’s something ultimately as inconsequential in the big scheme of things as a track meet—and generally taking joy and pleasure as you watch your child move about seemingly sincerely happy and productive and knowing that you have reasons to be proud and confident in their abilities is a treasure that seems somewhat elusive. Further, knowing that you’ve done something well as a parent and that you’ve instilled lessons in your children that they actually executed is, well, euphoric in some ways.
So often, I hear parents beat themselves up or question their whole approach to parenting because of something they feel their kids did wrong. I know I’ve felt this way. I’ve questioned myself and my parenting skills so many times it seems, I could write a book about it. Typically, though, the positive things greatly outweigh negative if you’re willing to a.) let them occur, and b.) recognize them. So why does it seem those moments, when you are able to witness firsthand the positive influence you’ve had on your children come to fruition, don’t come around nearly enough? I’m not sure.
I do think I know that when those moments do appear you better take the time to let them pour all over you. Take joy. Take pride. Take reassurance. Take comfort. Take whatever you can that’s positive away in order to continue doing the good work that parents need and should do.
I’m in the unique position that my kids are greatly spread out in years, from 19 to four. That’s leaves me able to learn from my parenting mistakes in the present and have the ability to apply what I’ve learned down the line on a younger child and hopefully avoid the same errors. For instance, I’ve learned the painful lesson that there are just certain things that a father, no matter how good of intentions he may have, can never say to a teenage girl. I can store that valuable information away for, say, 10 or 11 years, and when the time comes that my four-year-old is a teenager, apply that lesson and save myself a whole lot of grief.
But this works in a different direction, as well. There are those times when a moment that’s potentially filled with positivity has surfaced but for whatever reason I let the opportunity to do good escape. Maybe I didn’t provide praise where I should have. Maybe I didn’t make an event enough of a priority. Maybe I just dropped the ball by failing to recognize the importance of my participation, and hurt feelings or disappointment was the result. Hopefully I’m smart enough to learn from those failings and turn them into achievements in the future.
At any rate, as difficult as being a parent is, there’s monumental value available from all the toil. There are so many gold nuggets to collect and reap richness from. There are so many opportunities to just sit back, observe, and take pleasure in what you’re witnessing.
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