I've never liked losing--at anything. I've never been so weird and full of myself that I haven't let my kids beat me at games of basketball or Candy Land or whatever else it was that we were playing, but I don't like losing at things where the competition is real and on an equal level. It could be a meaningless mid-week softball game or a pickup basketball game or a trivia game in some bar, but I don't like coming out on the losing end. I'm not some psycho who is going to throw a tantrum or beat his wife when he gets home because I came in second, but I'll curse myself and relive the minutes over and over an unhealthy amount of times if I take a loss hard.
The thing I find fascinating is that over the years, I've put myself in less and less situations where I've had something to compete for. Let's face it, I love playing fantasy sports, but I'm not doing it for the competition. I don't have the time or inclination to spend countless hours fine tuning my lineups, so I typically resign myself early on in the season to accepting the fact that I'm going to lose. I play fantasy sports mostly for the social aspects.
And having a four-year-old doesn't leave much time to seek out competition elsewhere, like in the form of rec sports. I'd rather spend my spare time doing things she wants to do. I also have a daughter who plays competitive sports herself, and my duty these days is to watch her and not put my desires first where that stuff is concerned. Still, when you're a person who has sought out competition and made it a fairly big part of his life for decades, there can be a big void as you age and it's not there anymore.
Another thing I've found fascinating about getting older where competition is concerned is relying less on meeting my competitive addiction from others and relying more on myself. I'm begrudgingly learning to like running a bit more and more, but I'm not sure it's something I'll ever really grasp onto with a full heart. Still, I'm really learning to love the aspect of hitting personal bests again. I thrived on that feeling decades ago as a kid when I ran competitively, and for whatever reason, that feeling hasn't totally gone away today. When I'm running, I'm thinking about how I can make up time, what's possible, what's not possible, what's realistic, what's something I can look to that can propel me to surpass where I've already been.
Tomorrow, I'm running in a 5K, and as much as I'm looking forward to it because it's something that's keeping me fit and off the couch and able hopefully to add years to the duration of my life, I'm looking forward to it just as much to see where I'm at running-wise compared to people my age and where I can be in the future. I haven't been running all that long this time around, but if I'm going to keep it up, I know I'll need motivation, and the best motivation I know is trying to satisfy the fire that burns within. Stoking that fire. Making it soar and feeling its heat.
Ultimately, I'd like to test myself in other individual ways. Take myself to places I didn't believe capable. Test myself on levels that I shouldn't have been able to reach and move beyond. I've always desired, for example, to have a boxing match. I know I'll get punched in the face repeatedly, and it will probably hurt, and I'll probably wonder what the hell I got myself into halfway through, but I want to know what it's like to chew on that kind of fear and swallow it and then push myself beyond it into unknown territory, into places that I don't recognize and maybe not even like. I want to know what it's like to burn with pain but still keep moving forward.
The thing I find fascinating is that over the years, I've put myself in less and less situations where I've had something to compete for. Let's face it, I love playing fantasy sports, but I'm not doing it for the competition. I don't have the time or inclination to spend countless hours fine tuning my lineups, so I typically resign myself early on in the season to accepting the fact that I'm going to lose. I play fantasy sports mostly for the social aspects.
And having a four-year-old doesn't leave much time to seek out competition elsewhere, like in the form of rec sports. I'd rather spend my spare time doing things she wants to do. I also have a daughter who plays competitive sports herself, and my duty these days is to watch her and not put my desires first where that stuff is concerned. Still, when you're a person who has sought out competition and made it a fairly big part of his life for decades, there can be a big void as you age and it's not there anymore.
Another thing I've found fascinating about getting older where competition is concerned is relying less on meeting my competitive addiction from others and relying more on myself. I'm begrudgingly learning to like running a bit more and more, but I'm not sure it's something I'll ever really grasp onto with a full heart. Still, I'm really learning to love the aspect of hitting personal bests again. I thrived on that feeling decades ago as a kid when I ran competitively, and for whatever reason, that feeling hasn't totally gone away today. When I'm running, I'm thinking about how I can make up time, what's possible, what's not possible, what's realistic, what's something I can look to that can propel me to surpass where I've already been.
Tomorrow, I'm running in a 5K, and as much as I'm looking forward to it because it's something that's keeping me fit and off the couch and able hopefully to add years to the duration of my life, I'm looking forward to it just as much to see where I'm at running-wise compared to people my age and where I can be in the future. I haven't been running all that long this time around, but if I'm going to keep it up, I know I'll need motivation, and the best motivation I know is trying to satisfy the fire that burns within. Stoking that fire. Making it soar and feeling its heat.
Ultimately, I'd like to test myself in other individual ways. Take myself to places I didn't believe capable. Test myself on levels that I shouldn't have been able to reach and move beyond. I've always desired, for example, to have a boxing match. I know I'll get punched in the face repeatedly, and it will probably hurt, and I'll probably wonder what the hell I got myself into halfway through, but I want to know what it's like to chew on that kind of fear and swallow it and then push myself beyond it into unknown territory, into places that I don't recognize and maybe not even like. I want to know what it's like to burn with pain but still keep moving forward.
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