Today and tomorrow. That's all that's left of the year. That means I'm down to my final two posts. I set out way back at the beginning of 2012 to spend some time each day writing about something positive, all in an attempt to change how I tend to perceive life. For the most part, I've done just that.
I've spent the last few days writing about those things that rose to the surface during the last year and have been most positive to me, including my friends, my foes, my kids, and my marriage. Today, I want to write about myself.
I've found myself putting today's post off just about as long as I can. I don't want all this to end really. I'm feeling a bit in denial that this project is actually coming to an end. This last month, the last few weeks, and especially these final days have come upon me much quicker than I expected or wanted. In some ways, I feel like I'm just getting started in cutting through the layers and getting to the bottom of what really matters most. I feel like I'm just beginning to understand what it means to look at the world in ways that leave me feeling like I want to act in an effort to make change vs. merely react and point out the flaws. I feel like I've only begun to tap into the potential that lies below the surface. I'm also feeling a little afraid that by not stopping to take the time to write about something positive each day that I'm going to backtrack and resort to my old habits. That I'm going to fade back into my old ways of seeing the negative first. Of seeing the dark before the light. And yet, I also have faith in myself that I won't.
The other day, I went back and read the first post I made at the beginning of this year. The way I described myself was spot on. Although I feel like I've always been a pretty good person for the most part, I've also been a predominantly pessimistic person. I have been someone who for whatever reason finds it easier to see what's wrong with a situation instead of what's right. I have also been someone who is especially skilled at pointing out what's wrong to anyone who would listen.
In some respects these traits have served me well. In others, leaning toward the dark side hasn't done me any favors at all. Having a tendency to wade in the murky waters leaves you mostly feeling tired, exhausted, and alone. It's definitely a harder road to travel. It's definitely less populated. It's definitely less fulfilling. And being more personally fulfilled is a great part of why I set out at the beginning of 2012 to make a change and attempt to view life in a different way.
This year, after a great, great deal of introspection and reflection and digging deep and deeper, I can honestly say that I've made some major strides, and I can honestly say I'm proud of myself for doing so. I can honestly say that I had some gigantic doubts that it was possible. I may be even more amazed that I've been able to come as far as I have.
I'm ending this year in the best physical shape that I've been in in at least 15 years. That in of itself is a small miracle and something I contribute entirely to this blog and forcing myself into having a more positive frame of mind.
I'm ending this year feeling more confident about the path that I'm traveling on and my desire to want to be on that path. I feel mentally fit and able. I feel able to act upon my beliefs. I feel engaged and committed to my causes, but not out of a sense of anger or resentment primarily but more out of a sense of sincerely just wanting to do what is right.
I'm ending this year feeling like I understand my kids better than I ever have, but also more confident about my ability and my desire to want to figure out those things I still don't understand.
I'm ending this year feeling I know more than ever what it means to be a good, giving, patient, compassionate father. And even though I'm not always capable of actually practicing those traits, I feel like I'm better able to recognize when I'm falling short and make the effort right the ship.
I'm ending the year with a better understanding of the positive influences that my friends are in my life and knowing how valuable they are to me. I'm ending the year knowing what I have to offer to those friendships.
I'm ending the year feeling more enlightened. More in tune. More responsible. More content. More secure. More confident.
Throughout most of my life, I've tended to be pretty hard on myself. I don't suspect that will change. I do suspect, however, that I won't let that cripple me. This has been a damn good year. A damn productive year. An exciting year. A fulfilling one. Maybe more than at any time than I can recall, I care more about what I can accomplish than what I haven't.
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